Make This Mouth-watering Steak for Someone That You Love
Lovers (and carnivores) assemble!
A woman walks into The Keg and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling.
When she asks the hostess about it, the hostess says, “If you can jump up and touch it, drinks are on the house for the night. But if you miss, everyone’s drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?”
The woman decided not to take the risk. She said, “The steaks were too high.”
Warning: I have no comments about Tim Denning to share today.
This article has no screenshots of my earnings nor any advice about how to conquer Medium, Instagram, TikTok, or YouTube.
I told you that I would share my kick-ass steak recipe with you, so here goes everything– and not a moment too soon because you need this in your life!
More than anything else!
Work/life balance with a slab of red meat is good. So let’s disengage from those lofty, side-hustle-y goals you’ve set for yourself.
It’s ok.
You can check your Medium stats tomorrow. It’s time to focus on your bae.
Your McDreamy or McSteamy. Whatever cringe-worthy, Grey’s Anatomy-ish term you use, stand the f*ck up, step away from the mouse and keyboard, and let your computer screen go to sleep. Let the Darkness consume it.
(That’s a little joke for you Destiny nerds out there!)
You can be a critically-acclaimed writer later.
It’s time to wine and dine.
Then, it’s Netflix and chill time!
Apologies if you practice veganism or hardcore vegetarianism–although, if you’re strong-willed, you should be well on your way to manifesting psychic abilities, Scott Pilgrim style! But as cool as it might be to possess phenomenal superpowers, it can’t compare to chomping down a big, fat, juicy piece of red meat cooked just the way you like it.
Now I’m no Bobby Flay. Not by any stretch of the imagination, but I know a bomb-ass steak when I taste one, and this recipe creates a bomb-ass steak! It’s a f*ck-you steak! As in, that’s what you’ll be screaming to your favourite steakhouse after you master this recipe.
“F*ck you, steakhouse!”
No joke. That’s what you’ll say.
But don’t get ahead of yourself. You have to master this special recipe first.
I stole the recipe from none other than Chef Gordon Ramsey himself. I stole it Mission-Impossible-style. Tom Cruise would be so proud.
Chef Ramsey doesn’t write on Medium, does he? Sh*t, I hope not.
I’m not too worried about it, though. I made some necessary tweaks to the recipe. An upgrade, if you will. It’s my recipe now. Nobody will ever know.
Well, except you.
And everyone else who reads this story.
But that’s it.
It’ll be fine. We’ll be just fine.
[Pregnant pause]
I feel dirty. Do you feel dirty?
[Second pregnant pause]
Good! That’s the point. I’m going to give you the meat sweats with this sh*t. And then you and bae can get all nice and sweaty in a Missy Elliott, Get-Your-Freak-On, kind of way.
Every day should be Steak and Sex Day!
Ok, enough foreplay. Let’s get right to it!
- Season a nice, marbled slab of red meat (both sides), such as a flat iron, ribeye, or T-Bone steak. You can get away with a simple seasoning here, like salt and pepper, or if you want to take the flavour up a notch, you can use your favourite steak spice!
- Heat your cast iron pan. Get that baby hot, but not too hot, you pervert! Then lubricate your cast iron with some grapeseed oil. That’s right. I said grapeseed oil. Did you know that grapeseed oil existed? Somehow I didn’t get the memo.
- By the way, I also didn’t get the memo about cotton candy grapes either. Ya. That’s right. Grapes that somehow taste like cotton candy! Did you know about this? Watch the movie Fresh with Sebastian Stan!
- Place your seasoned steak in your hot, oily pan. Add a couple of smashed garlic cloves, followed by a few thyme and rosemary sprigs.
- Don’t be stingy on the herbs. Once the steak starts cooking, you can place a few sprigs on top of the steak to increase the flavour.
- Get a good sear on the steak. Both sides!
- Add some butter and let that melt, and fuse with the oil and everything else in the pan!
- Get a spoon, tilt the pan, scoop up that herby, buttery juice and baste that beautiful piece of meat. Both sides!
- Can you smell what The Rock is cooking? Smells good, right?
- Cook each side according to your preferred doneness. Medium-rare, medium, medium-well, whatever gets you off!
- One trick I learned is to cook each side in 1-minute intervals until done. This way, your steak cooks more evenly and significantly faster too!
- When your mouth-watering steak is ready, plate it, let it rest for a bit, and then enjoy!
Was that not the best f*cking steak you’ve ever had?
Cool. My job is done.
You can skip Netflix and go make some FutureSex/LoveSounds!
You’re welcome. I’ll be around ;)
I would be remiss if I didn’t point you toward a cute, little cooking game that you can play with a friend or significant other, or you could even play with yours truly! The game is called Overcooked and can be played on Nintendo Switch, PlayStation, Xbox, Xbox Cloud Gaming, or PC.
If you don’t own a video game console, Xbox Cloud Gaming will be your path of least resistance! I’m ready and willing to walk you through getting started if you’re interested.
Thanks for reading. I hope that you enjoyed my story. It was a pleasure writing it. If you’d like to support me as a writer, please become a Medium member — It’s just $5 per month — and click the clap icon! Becoming a member gets you unlimited access to my stories, plus all of the other great stories on Medium.
Does your company culture suck? Then, inject gaming into (or after) your workday! Plus, for more video game shenanigans, please follow me on Twitch.
